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I'm not even the same lady

It has been too long since I posted here for that to be the case.

Even in the last nine months my life has flipped upside down eight or nine times. Or more.

-I no longer speak with Thomas, Alexis, or my father.
-I no longer speak with Alex, first because of a falling out, then because of a car wreck.
-Cosmo the Magnificent bit the dust, too. Both of these friends died in October '09.
-I no longer speak with Leah.
-I'm getting over it fast, thanks to a very good friend becoming my girlfriend once more. It was about time, really.

My words are all trite. I am becoming trite. But right now, I am happy. If a bit overwhelmed.

I don't have a lot to do right now. I guess I should read a book, or better yet, do homework. But I was thinking about this blog and decided I should see what has changed. As described above, a lot has.

What my life looks like now:

-My house is filled with cool people, thrift store finds, DIY projects, dog hair, happiness, and organic junk food.
-My heart is filled with love for myself.
-I'm giving some of that self and love to Panda, because she deserves it.
-I'm healing from a year and 11 months of mutual abuse and disaster from Leah.
-I work a little, go to school a little.
-Spend too much money, do too little homework.
-I've spent a lot of time in therapy, to the point where I think I know more about what I need than my therapist does. Success.
-I'm studying psychology. Someday I will be a therapist.
-For once I finally know what I want to do with myself, and this feels great.

Today is mother fucking frustrating.

I'm tired of job hunting. I'm tired of not being able to see anyone all week, only to have to work massive amounts of time all weekend.

This is my first full weekend off in a really long time. I don't even get to see Leah until 8:30 today. That's half an hour before I would get to see her if I DID work. I don't care if she makes plans with her friend but why TONIGHT?

I get to do the same thing on my Friday night off as I do on all of my weekdays off. Sit around, do nothing, get bored of the fucking internet. And I've even done all of my errands, so that's not even going to fill up my time anymore. This isn't worth the 3 hour work week I get because of this damn time off.

I would hang out with friends, but they're all busy, thanks to a Ben Folds concert. I would have gone to see my mom, except this happens to be the first day she and her husband have the same night off in awhile. So they're in my shoes, except they're actually getting to spend time together.

I fucking hate my life sometimes. I wish I didn't let these things get to me, but I'm always so lonely. I'm always either lonely or stressed out by working when I *could* be hanging out with people.

Dissatisfaction....

Is it really "abuse" if it's all in good fun? Even when you don't... um... stop? And when confronted about it, you say it's just in your nature? I never really liked playing rough myself.

blah blah blah
I got a new client today who is pretty much awesome. He keeps making cracks about how he's officially "elderly" now and therefore can't do anything himself. This is a perfectly capable old man, by the way, except for lung and heart problems that mess up his stamina. I'm pretty much there to help him clean house so he doesn't have to get too winded. He also told me that's why I could come in without knocking, because he was officially too old to fill the house with dancing naked ladies.

Not only was he hilarious, but he had a lot of art hanging on the walls and in books, not to mention a Mardi Gras costume in his closet.

Anyway, while that was awesome, my other client is in the hospital, which is significantly less awesome. :( I went to visit him, and I probably should have stayed longer, but he didn't know me that well and I felt a little awkward.

Another not awesome thing (in a different way) is that eBay won't let me know what my username is, and I really want to buy a new door handle for my car so I don't have to roll down the window every time I want to exit the drivers seat.

Seriously, eBay. Fo' real?
There are days I think I could marry her. But I kind of think marriage is a scam. And she does, too, for that matter.

Besides, I don't really think that Arkansas is on the brink of equal marital rights.

Aghhh I hate when I get into these patterns of only ever talking about my significant other. I feel enough like I'm chasing my tail when I'm with her and all I can talk about is how pretty she is.

I'm starting to get clients from Home Instead. Slowly but surely. The long wait between orientation and actual work is making me really nervous. Like stage fright that only happens when the act before yours goes on too long.

I'm willing to plow through it, though. If other people can do it, I can. That pretty much goes without saying. Unless you're talking about in depth analyses of quantum mechanics or something. That's not really my forte. I used to think I was smart enough for anything, but my brain feels sick lately.

I stopped taking my St. John's Wort, and I shouldn't have. I started getting my dark thoughts back. So I guess I'll start with increased knowledge that not only does it work, but it works in a nice non-intrusive way that makes me think it's not doing anything. Which is always nice with brain chemical shifts.

Other news! I may be going back to school as early as next semester. Did I even mention on here that I dropped out?

Well being a college dropout sucks. But I guess I know a lot more about what I want to do and how I want to do it now.

I'll be taking core classes at NWACC. Because my dad teaches there and I get like 15 credits or something free each semester. I'll probably take nine, tops.

I guess things are fine with us.

I would like to be with someone who is an optimist.
I would like to be with someone who is spiritual and philosophical.
I would like to be with someone who has the same taste in movies and music as me.
I would like to be with someone who is comfortable in their own skin.
I would like to be with someone who is passionate and affectionate.

I am with someone who is prepared for the worst.
I am with someone who can appreciate the mundane.
I am with someone with interesting and different tastes.
I am with someone with humility and sensitivity.
I am with someone who is rewarding, if challenging, to get close to.

I guess life isn't exactly the way I would have planned it.

But if we could plan life, there would almost be no point in living it.

I will stay with Leah as long as she lets me. Or as long as I'm still in love with her. Because I am very much in love with her. Even if we're not a perfect match by any means.

Hm okay.

So there is a good chance that Leah will leave me and move back to her hometown because being near me isn't worth all the friends she's missing, or the comfort zone.

I guess I can see her point. But not very well because I've never been all that attached to people. There are friends who will always be my friends, but there's no urgency about us all living in the same town. My best friend lives a half hour away. Leah only lives 45 minutes away from all her friends.

I'm more independently minded I suppose.

I'm trying not to take it personally, but with everything that has happened, I don't think I could go back to having a long-distance relationship with her. Especially with all the fights and ideological disagreements. For instance, she will never ever tell her family OR her friends about me. So I'm only a big part of her life when no one else is around. It hurts.

Maybe it would be better if she left. But as long as she's in town I stand by what I said months ago: I would do anything for her.

You know, within reason.




If she does leave here are some things I could do:

- work overnight shifts every night and get paid to sleep (I just started a job caring for seniors)
- try and get into Peace Corps even though I'm a college drop-out
- move anywhere I want
- hang out with people more and make new friends
- start eating healthy foods again
- find someone who is comfortable with themselves
- or more specifically, continue the search for my soul mate - I met her!!
- or I could continue being single and happy and spiritual like I was last summer




And yet for some reason I just love her too much to let her go.

a queezee feaalin in ma Gut.

I haven't posted since Inauguration Day? Hm.

Life has started getting to be a bit much lately. I had to move out of my house because people like to cause drama more than they like to be considerate of the people living with them. Leah also moved to Fayetteville. There has been a lot of tension there, probably because we are both so stressed out. She starts her new job today. She's horribly and utterly unhappy to be here. It would be nice to feel like she loved me.

I'm really emo, btw. Kind of happens when my abandonment issues are triggered by friends leaving, girlfriend problems, and my dad seeming like he really wanted to disown me.

He wanted to disown me because I ended up dropping out of school when things got too insane. So I responded with "j/k lulz!" He doesn't think I'm a failure anymore, but I guess by his standards I am one.

I didn't really want to be an artist anyway. I mean, I want to leave that to the people who are obsessed with it. I was never obsessed with art. Art was just what I did.

I hope to be obsessed with art in the future. But that's not going to happen until I do art for fun instead of class and work.

Waiting on a call from Home Instead Senior Care, who will hopefully let me take care of the elderly for moneys, since I failed at getting a degree just yet.

In the meantime, I have too many days off. I want to use three or four of these days off to go on a solo backpacking trip. Actually, I got more days off so I could go on a backpacking trip.

I keep forgetting to check the weather for next week.

Happy Inauguration Day, bitches!

I cried at least four or five times listening to Obama's speech. It would be nice if 10% of his plans came to fruition. That would be enough for me.

2009 thus far

After the last post, New Year's Day was amazing. I literally got back to Leah's friend's party as the ball dropped, and after that the whole day was amazing. I wish we didn't fight so much, but December was hectic.

So far this year, I've mostly been riddled with mono. So that hasn't been great, either.

Except that there are certain arms that can go around you and make you realize that life is good even when you can't sleep because of how closed your throat is. There are some faces that make you happy enough to be near them even if you can't kiss them for fear of being contagious. There is a girl in my life that makes me happy to call her mine, even while we are fighting.

I admit that December was full of too many misunderstandings, but I believe that it was in the stars. I've been keeping up with them, and they said that December would be tense. They also say that this month, and in fact this year, will be a lot easier on me.

I think the people who don't believe in astrology are just the ones who don't look hard enough into it. But that may be the crazy hippie in me talking.