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Fuck New Year's Eve.

The last one sucked too. Something about the pressure of so many people to party with. Something about politics of friendship and romance and the division of attention. What attention is acceptable to divide, and what divisions can be reprimanded?

I'm in Fayetteville, although I'm "supposed" to be in Ft. Smith. I probably would have stayed, but the mere suggestion that I come back home to see my friends was enough to cause confusion and hurt feelings.

Sometimes I wish I were straight. Not sure if that would help or not, because I can't think clearly enough about it without getting the heebie-jeebies.

I really don't fit in with many crowds.

Sometimes I get lonely in a full room, and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something.

My eyes are heavy but awake I ponder.

Whenever I'm the most excited about having her, I get a huge reality check.

I've been using strong words. Fuck those words. The words don't stop me from being crazy. They just put her into the position to reject me all the more, especially because I'm clearly more likely to go crazy when I think them. What's worse is that they're strong because society made them reverberate through me when she's around, not because they mean anything.

Not to say I don't like her. But I'm happiest when I'm single. This is very confusing, because I like being her girlfriend a whole lot. I could so easily break up with her and go back to my carefree life after a few weeks of being sad. But I couldn't do that because I actually really like her. Lots. So I'm not saying at all that I want us to break up.

She's all of those words that everyone wants their lover to be. Smart, hilarious, beautiful... And she's nice, damn it. A sarcastic bitch, yes, but compassionate as hell. And all I can think of is that if this messes up, that's it. And it will probably mess up. Because I'm me.

But I will just move on like I have done, like I do, like I plan on doing. I don't even have to worry about it, so why am I? It's the anxiety that makes me less happy when I am in a relationship. It's so paradoxical, because the anxiety is "what if I lose you" anxiety. And if I lose her, I will be happier because I will be less anxious. Of course, I will always have that "what if I am alone forever" anxiety when there's no one to practice on. Maybe it's the "what if I can't love right" anxiety that's bothering me the most right now.

The only thing I'm happily missing is the "what if you don't like me" anxiety. I've never been more sure of that, and after so much doubt in the past, I think that's why I like her so much.

I can't think of anything else but you, Leah, and that scares me a lot more than I've ever thought possible.

I might even be more scared than you.


My head is so spinning. With awesome. It has for awhile.

I just got a baby bunny. But that's not even why.

And it's despite the fact that things have been shaky at the house. I got into silent warfare with Roffino. But all is well now (I hope). We at least talked things out.

But Christ, if I could think of anything besides Leah.

Damn it. I keep having to catch myself when I get too excited. I've only been disappointed before, but I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, even if just by half a year or so.

I think I'm more worried about freaking *her* out, though.

Things I have

1. Lots of homework
2. Lots of plans
3. A rabbit-proofed room

Because I'm getting a baby bunny Sunday.

Don't run with keys...

Sometime between Thursday and All Hallow's, I tripped, fell, and landed hand-first on my keys. The next three hours were spent laughing hysterically in ER until I was sedated.

How in the hell?

Oh well, this morning was my followup checkup, and there was no muscle or nerve damage, and my bandages were wrapped a bit more loosely, so I can now type this out the way my keyboarding instructor in middle school intended, rather than typing with the paw-like mass of my right hand while my left one does all the work. So yay, blog time!

But the bandage did not stop me from having a kick-ass Halloween. I carved two pumpkins and put the finishing touches on two costumes after the incident, because I'm a badass.

All in all, this weekend was a huge success. I love Halloween, and I love October/November weather, which has just recently started behaving. The trees are fucking gorgeous.

Costume pics later.

All Hallow's, when the veil is thinnest...

Oh my god, my last post was utterly rampant with typos and careless grammatical errors. I'm trying really hard to care. Except it's not actually that hard.

Tomorrow is Halloween!!!!! I haven't started my costuming yet!!!

I am going to be Peter Pan. The best part of this is that Mikey is going to be Peter Pan's shadow. My costume will include a bar of soap to stick him back onto me.

Leah is going as a Spartan cheerleader. I barely know what that means, but I do know that I may learn to drive a stick shift tomorrow just to drive her drunk ass home. I'm pretty excited about this.

Because you can't win the Amazing Race if you can't drive a standard.

By the way, I know most of you people aren't losers and therefore don't know how to read, but Paper Towns by John Green is pretty amazing. It's geared toward high schoolers, so sometimes the dialog is a bit high schoolery, but it's a good read still. I'm going to meet the author on Sunday, mostly because Thomas is more excited about it than me. He is just excited enough to drive us to Tulsa to shake his hand and join the "Nerdfighter" festivities.
Something about gyms make me feel really out of shape. I couldn't do one damn jack knife in front of the twinkie gym girls.

(Something about Souvenirs by Architecture in Helsinki makes me wonder why I don't listen to them more often.)

I'm sad because, since we're painting the house, and somehow I haven't been able to work out since the summer. I assume it's a combination of my previously-10-hour semester and the fact that my floorspace is taken up by all the furniture we had to move away from the walls.

But at least I can retain my hips for some child birthin'. Since that happens about every day.

I don't really feel that fat. But isn't the chubby emoticon mousy so amazing?

Fear, fear

She's so pretty, I think I'm going to have to get over it.

Damn, I'm smitten. I hate being smitten.

What responsibility!

Girls with walls are beautiful and terrifying.

I'm fairly good at knocking them down. I'm not so good at making sure she doesn't regret letting me.

I'm about to get a whole lot more free time. I am committing academic suicide in the process. Well, more like an academic delay. Financial suicide.

I guess I'm okay with that.